Satire: Scientists uncover fossils of Offiea Spinnerial

A pictorial representation of a hunting ground

Scientists and archaeologists from the University of Marylebone have uncovered fossils of Offiea Spinnerial, a species that walked on planet cricket 7000 years ago. The fossils were found when a gigantic excavation was carried out on what was purported to be a massive grave yard of the species Offiea Spinnerial (Offies). Carbon dating has revealed that the remains belong to the 1st century of the third millennium.

The archaeologists identified it as a massive burial ground that was used when there was a massive speciocide carried out by the other species that lived on cricket at that time. Offies became extinct by the middle of the 21st century which resulted in what is now referred to as the first revitalization of cricket.

Legend has it that altogether three families of species evolved at the end of the 2nd millennium. Initially, there remained a very high competition among all three families. Batsmania the strongest of the three families preyed on both Fielderestia and Bowlerisus. In turn, Bowlerisus and Fielderestia hunted down members of Batsmania for survival. However, it is believed that there existed amity between Bowlerisus and Fielderestia and they desisted preying on each other. Given the strength of Batsmania, often Fielderestia and Bowlerisus engaged in hunting in collaboration.

Meanwhile, another species gradually developed that belonged to none of these three families. Scientists refer to it as Internationalea Cricketea Committeeus (ICC). We are believed to have evolved from this species. This species had regulated the hunting games among the three families. According to folklore, this species implemented strict laws to administer the planet and retributed the perpetrators severely. In return, the ICC were given shares from the hunt for their own survival.

The family of Batsmania consisted of two species, namely, Righthandedua Batsmania and Lefthandedua Batsmania. As the names imply, the species were pigeonholed based on their prominent arm. The family of Fielderestia consisted of several species and scientists are yet to come to terms with the various types of species, since the nuances in differences are too difficult to comprehend. Family Bowlerisus consisted of 8 species viz, Legiie Spinnerial, Offiea Spinnerial, Sino sapien, Leftarmuon Slowe, Rightarmuon faster, Rightarmuon media, Leftarmoun faster, Leftarmoun media.

A bowlum, kept at Marylebone museum


The family Bowlerisus invented a device called bowlum that was hurled at Batsmania to kill them. The variations among the species belonging to the family Bowlerisus, resulted in different tactics being employed to hunt down Batsmania. For instance, Rightarmuon faster seems to have hurled the bowlum at Batsmania at the highest possible pace often employing air swing – a result of the contour of the bowlum, to hit Batsmania.

Offiea Spinnerial, according to researchers had used a fine method of spinning the bowlum at a timid pace. Although the pace was comparatively low, the spin engendered resulted in Batsmania missing bowlums and getting hit. Members of this species had a well developed shoulder girdle and index finger, both of which were essential in accomplishing spin. Bio-mechanics suggest that this species also made ample use of its pelvic girdle to use it as pivot to produce big spin.

In the dawn of the 3rd millennium, this species was spread all across the planet and their pedigree burgeoned with vigour. But gradually, the hunting grounds increasingly became supportive for Batsmania, resulting in Offies suffering severe casualties. Last year, scientists uncovered the remains of an Offie whose skeletal structure conformed with that of an X-Ray image that is being kept in the Marylebone Museum. The X-Ray is one of the very few relics of the bygone era and is being reverently preserved at the museum.

X-ray that is being preserved at the museum

Scientists have devised several theories for the extinction of this species. The popular theory is that the extensive change of climate and hunting grounds, coupled with the rule changes effected by ICC caused the decline of the once burgeoning species. Scientists say that ICC brought in rule changes that allowed only a certain number of Fielderestia close to Offies which remarkably attenuated the Offies.

As a result, Batsmania could easily thwart any attempts made by Offies to kill them, while giving themselves plethora of opportunities to predate Offies. It is also believed that Offies relied a lot on the wearing down of bowlums to propagate spin, their biggest strength, but ICC imposed a rule to use two bowlums at tandem, which reduced the wearing down of the bowlum, which in turn minimised the amount of spin.

The Offies belonging to the latter part of the first decade of the 1st century of the 3rd millennium, had developed a strong middle finger, suggestive of the fact that they adopted a different technic to spin the bowlum. The degree of success it produced is yet to be known.

According to literature preserved in the Marylebone museum, Offies a href=”” target=”_blank” data-cke-saved-href=””>flexed the then rules by bending their arms to gain unfair advantage to put up with the misery. ICC becoming increasingly intolerable clamped down on these Offies ousting them from the eco-system. But some scientists believe that there was inconsistency and inadequacy in the method adopted to measure the elbow flexion. They believe that ICC was more interested in making life easier for Batsmania who brought ICC the major share of the hunt.

The constant ostracising of the Offies lead to their gradual extinction. According to the popular theory of evolution, they were wiped off through natural selection. They, in the struggle for existence, adopted chucking (bending the arm) but the fitter species survived decimating the weakest.

The extinction of Offies created an imbalance in the eco-system that resulted in the steady decline of cricket. A popular novel “Pressing the self-destruction button” speculates about how cricket would have ended before certain members of ICC evolved into a different species that adapted to the difficult life in cricket. This process of evolution is deemed to be the cradle of our own modern civilization, which itself is in the verge of a calamity, according to some scientists.

This article was first published in Sportskeeda a href=””>here

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